Submitted by Trooper TK-421, 501st Legion, On Behalf of His Most Sinister Majesty the Emperor, Who Has Other Business This Week
Filing classification: Routine. Threat assessment: See attached.
Sirs and Madams of the Imperial Cultural Affairs Bureau,
This trooper has been instructed by my superior officer (who reports to her superior officer, who reports to Lord Vader, who reports to the Emperor, who I have never personally met but whose image is on the wall of the barracks mess) to attend a screening of a non-Imperial holovid entitled Mortal Kombat II and file a field report on its contents.
I have done so. I bring back the following observations.
OPENING OBSERVATIONS
The film begins with a duel. One warrior, identified as “King Jerrod,” faces another, identified as “Shao Kahn.” During the fight, King Jerrod’s fingers are removed. This trooper is uncertain why they were removed, only that they were. The cinema patrons applauded.
This was the first of approximately 147 limb-related events I observed during the 116-minute runtime. I stopped counting at the second decapitation.
ON THE MATTER OF “SHAO KAHN”
Sirs and Madams, I must report a security concern.
The publication Variety, which I am told is a trusted civilian source, describes the antagonist Shao Kahn as a warrior who “looks like the Lord Humungus meets Darth Vader under a helmet that’s a horned metal skull.” It further notes that he “wields a spiked version of Thor’s hammer.”
This trooper humbly submits the following questions:
- Who authorized the use of Lord Vader’s silhouette as a comparison point?
- Did Lord Vader’s legal team grant permission for this comparison?
- Has Lord Vader seen this comparison?
- If Lord Vader has not seen this comparison, who is going to tell him?
- (I am asking for a friend. The friend is also me. Please advise.)
Furthermore, I observed that Shao Kahn wins the tournament. He wins. A man in a horned metal skull helmet, wielding a hammer, defeats Earth’s greatest champions and seizes control of a realm. This trooper notes, with the deepest professional respect, that Lord Vader (who has a similar aesthetic and a much better weapon) has somehow not yet conquered a single moderately-sized planet in our own galaxy without significant logistical setbacks. Perhaps a training exchange could be arranged.
ON THE MATTER OF “JOHNNY CAGE”
This trooper has serious concerns regarding Johnny Cage, a civilian entertainer with no formal combat training who is somehow selected by the gods to defend his realm.
Specifically: at one point, Johnny Cage performs a full splits maneuver and then punches another combatant in the testicles.
Sirs and Madams. I have been a Stormtrooper for eleven years. I have been issued a precision-engineered E-11 blaster rifle, a helmet with multi-spectral targeting optics, a tactical comlink, and a uniform that, while restrictive in the hip region, is regulation issue. I have been trained in seventeen forms of close-quarters combat.
I cannot do the splits. I have never been able to do the splits. The armor will not permit it. And even if I could, the regulations strictly prohibit groin-targeting strikes under Section 14.2 of the Imperial Code of Conduct, which I helped revise after the unfortunate Mos Eisley Incident of Year 9.
Johnny Cage is, by my professional assessment, a more effective combatant than I am. This is troubling. I have requested a meeting with my commanding officer to discuss splits training. He has not yet responded. (He is, I believe, hiding from me.)
ACCURACY ASSESSMENT
This is the section of the report I have been dreading.
The combatants in Mortal Kombat II hit each other with their bare hands, their feet, ninja stars, fan blades, spinning saw-hats, ice blasts, fire blasts, and on at least one occasion, a kitchen-style domestic implement. They connect on virtually every attempt. The film’s central premise is that human warriors can reliably strike their targets at close range.
This trooper has been with the 501st Legion for over a decade. I have, in that span, personally fired my E-11 blaster rifle in combat on 1,247 documented occasions. I have hit my intended target four times. Three of those were accidents. One was Trooper TK-389, who I would like to formally apologize to again. He has not returned my messages.
The Bureau may wish to consult with the Mortal Kombat II stunt coordinators regarding a possible training partnership.
TROOPER’S VERDICT
Mortal Kombat II is a violent, fast-paced, and structurally chaotic film featuring multiple visual references to Imperial aesthetics that were neither cleared nor compensated. The combatants display levels of physical accuracy that this trooper finds personally distressing. The civilian entertainer Johnny Cage should be considered a possible Imperial recruit, pending splits assessment.
The film has earned over $75 million worldwide and a 65% rating on a civilian review aggregator known as “Rotten Tomatoes,” which I am told is named after a vegetable.
The vegetable is, in fact, a fruit. I learned this during the screening. It was the most useful thing that happened.
ATTACHED RECOMMENDATIONS
- Begin Imperial splits-training pilot program. Volunteer 501st troopers preferred.
- Issue formal cultural-affairs inquiry to Warner Bros. regarding the Shao Kahn / Lord Vader visual comparison.
- Recruit Johnny Cage. He hits things. We do not. The math is simple.
- Reclassify “tomato” as fruit in Imperial Quartermaster nutritional documentation.
Respectfully submitted,
TK-421
Trooper, 501st Legion
Currently Not At My Post (Authorized Leave, Cinema Detail)
The Emperor was not available for comment on this report, as he was attending to important Sith business that almost certainly did not involve napping. The Emperor will resume regular communiqués next week.
Good. Good.
The Emperor (in absentia)
Source: Mortal Kombat II Review (Variety) by Owen Gleiberman. Mortal Kombat II is in theaters now.