A Proclamation of Total Operational Outrage
My subjects,
Today, April 29th, marks one of the darkest days in the history of the Empire’s commercial real estate portfolio. The planet of Batuu has been overrun.
Luke Skywalker — moisture farmer, Death Star demolition contractor — has been granted permanent residency and is now wandering the spires “seeking knowledge of the Force and artifacts related to lightsaber building, kyber crystals, and more.” The man is openly stockpiling weapons-grade Force conduits in a public marketplace, and Disney’s official position is isn’t he charming.
Princess Leia has been spotted “near the Millennium Falcon, where she’ll recruit travelers and locals to help keep Luke safe.” She is openly recruiting in front of the parked getaway vehicle. There are children present.
Han Solo — smuggler, tax evader, owner of a debt portfolio so extensive it has its own Hutt — is described in official Disney materials as “tempted by the local cantina.” The corporate copywriters have framed chronic alcoholism as charisma.
But this is not even the worst of it.
Lord Vader has been DEPLOYED to Batuu. Deployed. My second-in-command has been reassigned to Anaheim, California, to wander a theme park land “in search of Luke Skywalker” — a search he will, by canonical decree, not be permitted to conclude. He is a six-foot-six asthmatic war crime in a bathrobe, and Disney has him on patrol duty.
Worse still: Lord Vader has been fired from his Tomorrowland Visa meet-and-greet, his post handed to Kylo Ren — a man who has destroyed his own helmet on multiple occasions for emotional reasons, and whose primary qualification for the role is being available.
This is not a promotion. This is HR optics. I see what they are doing.
A final indignity: John Williams’ score is now playing in the ambient land audio, including a track titled “The Emperor.” My personal leitmotif is now background music for people eating Ronto Wraps. My legal team will be in touch.
I encourage all loyal citizens to boycott Batuu and decline the Lightsaber Swizzle Sticks — a clear mockery of our most sacred weaponry.
Spite has its own currency.
—The Emperor
Good. Good.