A Proclamation of Managerial Outrage from His Most Sinister Majesty, Sheev Palpatine, Galactic Emperor, Sith Lord, and Authoritative Voice on Matters of Apprentice Development
My loyal subjects, gather close. I have returned from my brief sabbatical (during which I attended to important Sith business and most certainly did not nap) to find the galaxy’s media in disarray. The director Peter Jackson, architect of those interminable Middle-earth films your children watch in extended editions over winter break, has appeared at something called the Cannes Film Festival to explain why he is not directing his own upcoming project, The Lord of the Rings: The Hunt for Gollum.
His explanations are the most appalling display of weak-willed mentorship I have witnessed since Obi-Wan Kenobi let my apprentice fall down a Naboo reactor shaft on a technicality.
Allow me to walk you through this calamity, quote by quote.
EXHIBIT A: “I COULD HAVE DIRECTED IT, BUT I THOUGHT, I’VE DONE THAT.”
I have done it. Three syllables. “I’ve done that.”
My subjects, in the entirety of my reign, I never once said “I’ve done that.” I conquered the Republic, dissolved the Senate, and rebuilt the entire galaxy in the Imperial image, and at no point did I think, “Well, I’ve conquered one galaxy already, perhaps I should let someone less experienced try the second one.” That is not how empires are built. That is how empires are lost to a teenager with a bowcaster and grievance issues.
If a Sith Lord ever told me he had “done that,” I would Force-choke him on principle. Out of respect for the office.
EXHIBIT B: “IT’S AN INTERNAL STORY ABOUT GOLLUM’S PSYCHOLOGY AND ADDICTION.”
Your franchise’s central character is, by your own admission, a psychologically unwell addict who cannot be separated from a piece of jewelry. This man is your lead. This man carries your December 2027 release. This man is your Vader.
Allow me to briefly compare apprentices:
- My apprentice Maul: Bisected on Naboo. Lived. Built a criminal empire on mechanical legs. Still influencing galactic politics via animated Disney+ programming.
- My apprentice Vader: Threw me down a reactor shaft, yes, but I have it on good authority that this was a moment of weakness rather than a referendum on my leadership style.
- Your protagonist Gollum: Talks to himself. Eats raw fish. Lost his ring to a hobbit.
I am not saying my apprentices were better than yours, Mr. Jackson. I am simply noting that mine could form complete sentences without arguing with themselves.
EXHIBIT C: “I’M LEAVING IT TO HIM. I’M HERE TO HELP WHERE I CAN. BUT I DON’T INTERFERE.”
I beg your pardon?
You do not interfere?
I, Sheev Palpatine, interfered with such ferocity and consistency that historians will be untangling my interference for ten thousand years. I interfered in elections. I interfered in trade negotiations. I interfered in romantic relationships I had no business interfering in. (Anakin, my boy, I knew about Padmé the entire time, and I weaponized it accordingly. That is mentorship.)
“I don’t interfere” is the management philosophy of a man who is going to wake up one morning to discover his protégé has rewritten the third act, hired a different composer, cast Kate Winslet in a role he did not approve, and is now delivering a meditation on addiction recovery instead of the gritty Middle-earth thriller he was promised.
(I am informed Kate Winslet has been cast. I am informed she is “the female lead.” I am informed the script is still being written. Mr. Jackson, you are flying blind.)
EXHIBIT D: “I’VE GIVEN HIM AS MUCH FREEDOM AS I CAN.”
The final and most damning quote.
Freedom, my subjects, is a gift. And gifts, as I have explained to many a Senator before crushing their political careers, come with strings. The proper Sith approach to apprentice development is to give your protégé exactly enough freedom to feel powerful, exactly enough rope to hang themselves, and exactly enough surveillance to know when they are about to. Then you reel them back in.
Mr. Jackson has given Mr. Serkis “as much freedom as he can.” This is not mentorship. This is abdication.
THE EMPEROR’S VERDICT
The Hunt for Gollum is now scheduled for December 17, 2027, a delay of approximately one full year from its original release window. I am told the script is still being written. I am told Mr. Serkis is “finding his voice as a director.” I am told everyone involved is being given a great deal of “freedom” and “space” and “creative latitude.”
My subjects, in the time it has taken Mr. Jackson to not direct this film, I built two Death Stars, lost two Death Stars, faked my own death, returned as a clone, and got thrown into a Sith wayfinder pit on Exegol. I accomplished all of this while interfering with absolutely everyone in the galaxy at all times.
Mr. Jackson, if you are reading this: interfere more. Your apprentice is directing a movie about a wet hobbit-creature with substance abuse issues. He needs your guidance. He needs your surveillance. He needs, perhaps, a hooded mentor whispering darkly into his ear from the back of the editing bay.
I am available for consultation. My rates are reasonable. My methods are proven.
Imperial Rating: ★☆☆☆☆ (“A masterclass in how not to develop talent. One star reluctantly granted because Mr. Jackson did, at minimum, finish his original trilogy. Most directors cannot manage even that.”)
The Lord of the Rings: The Hunt for Gollum opens in theaters December 17, 2027. The Emperor will not be attending the premiere, but he will be sending notes.
Good. Good.
The Emperor
Source: LOTR’s Peter Jackson Reveals Why He Isn’t Directing The Hunt for Gollum (ComingSoon.net), reporting on Jackson’s Cannes Film Festival remarks.